Well, I Wasn't Expecting That.

It's been said that the only thing you can be certain of in life, is that you can never be certain of what's going to happen. This sounds ridiculously cliche, but the fact is the evidence in life supports this.

I hope to find out today or early next week if a position I interviewed for in Austin is going to be offered to me or not. This job I interviewed for is not going to be some miracle cure-all allowing me a life of ostentation. But it is a position in the industry I want, and that is the very best step forward in my career, which anyone who has kept up with this blog (Me and one other person, maybe two) knows is a major stress on my life. Things have been going very well with L up here in Denton. Obviously I would never forsake a career decision for a girl unless there was some serious time behind it. I just find it interesting, that's all.

EDIT: Redundancy check. Shit dun gone crazy.

Regardless, things are going well, and in no way are they going the way I expected, or anyone really expected, and we'll see how things pan out.

Okay, So Maybe Not.

Alright, I am not entirely sure how this writing will go, but I do think my previous entry warrants some kind or update. At the very least it proves that getting absolutely hammered drunk and posting on my blog is not a fantastic idea, that comma usage was atrocious.

Where are things now? That was a little more than a month ago I posted about my (then) severely disappointing run in with Officer Candidacy School in the U.S. Army. Two quick notes about that: First, most likely for the better. I would like to point out that I said that it might be in my previous post, and I'm going to say I was right. Not what I needed, or at least needed right then. Maybe the service has a point in my future, but it isn't near that soon. Second, on a wonderfully uplifting note, the time frame on my substance abuse would have been lifted this may, so that I could in fact have joined in a couple months, and the members of the board wanted me to appear before them. They wanted me to appear, asked for me by name. Perhaps there was some scrap of truth to my thoughts that honesty and sincerity can pull you through in this world. It hasn't quite happened yet, but still it's something.

So what next? I guess that is the question. Closer yet to finding that job to pay the bills and sustain myself. I am applying for jobs, random as they may be, in hopes that something will stick against the wall and at least get me started digging myself out of this pit.

I guess the most beneficial part of writing this blog is that it does help me put things in to perspective, that or it embarrasses me in to not feeling so bad about things. Either way it gets the job done. Point in case is girls, or girl to be exact. I highly doubt I am the only man, or person (I bet girls do this too) to just be overly paranoid about something that could be a budding relationship. Why is it that in these situations that we manage to ignore every positive sign, throw away all good omens of a want for you from the other person, and focus all of our thoughts on the few moments that things are, for lack of a better word, awkward? Furthermore why do I put all this pressure on it? For the last several days this girl and my absolute fear that things are fucked up has been stuck inside my head twenty-four seven. It's damn near enough to make me envious of some shut in hermit xenophobe for not having to deal with people. I have known this girl at most three or four weeks, and we've only seen each other a handful of times. Why is it that I am so entranced with her?

As there are very few simple questions in life, there is no short answer. Yes, she makes me feel pretty good about myself. She (I hope) likes me, for me no less. She finds the fact that I'm so outward about my goofiness, flaws, and am comfortable with them, attractive. She makes me feel good about all that stuff that I spend so much time worrying about, and who wouldn't like that? Is it that this is the sole girl to do this? No, but she's doing it now and that is what's relevant. She is a cool girl to boot. She likes goofy crap, is a bit of an artist (ceramics) and is pretty fun to be around. She laughs at my jokes and makes me laugh. This is my single most favorite thing in a woman, and you can almost be guaranteed if this is the case with any girl I will have an attraction to her. So if you don't like me, just don't laugh. Regardless, I dig her. I would like to say that I'm not overly infatuated with her, but I'm not entirely sure that's the case. If I wasn't, why would the silence of not having talked to her, much less spent our last words on an uncomfortable situation, be absolutely incapacitating my thought processes for that last days, and be well on it's way to a third?

The thing I can not drill in to my head is though that it doesn't matter right now, relax, and just do what you do. I mean, if she likes me then going fucking insane in my head over a couple strange days certainly isn't the most enticing thing when it comes to judging another person's mental health. And is it as bad as it sounds, I don't know. It could be the compound of all the other stresses in my life raining down upon me, and this is just one last kick in the wedding bits to make sure I'm feeling like shit most of the time. Compound that with some heavy drinking and you have a recipe for a mess of a head. Oh well, I'll try to resolve this, and I'm sure that all of my worry will prove for naught as it has so many times in the past. I mean if I'm a well put together, well kept and good looking smart badass (and I am) then who wouldn't want to be with me? I hope to god everyone reading this knows me well enough to grasp the half hearted sarcasm in this post, otherwise I'll come off as quite an ass. Which I am, but for entirely different reasons.

This kind of crap is even affecting me other ways too, but I can try to use this as a positive thing. These past few weeks I've been searching for a job harder than ever. Well that's good, but I should have been looking for one full steam for, oh, the last seven months, but why now? Because I want to be able to afford having a girl. Fuck. Can you believe that? That's the most re-goddamn-tarded thing I've heard in a long while. "Hey chumpo, stop being a slob, get a job and be productive in society"
"No I'm content with being able to afford to eat maybe twice a day."
"Hey, what about this hot girl, she's better than eating food, right?"
"Hot damn you are right, time to get to work sir so I can spend my hard earned cash on movies, expensive meals and gifts to woo her. Way more important than personal success and financial stability."
"Well that's fucking stupid, but whatever gets you a job."
Sounds dumb, is dumb, but if it works then I guess it's a good thing.

And that's that. One last thing though, this post is damn near indicative of something that doesn't make sense to me. On the list of problems I have to sort out in my life, the career and financial burden is a big numero uno. On the long list of shit that's important right now in life worrying about one really cool, super cute girl who I think digs me is somewhere between am I eating too much peanut butter and have I washed enough underwear this week. It's not that it isn't important, if I could get a good thing going with L(I just decided this will be how I refer to her here) that would be awesome, and hopefully pretty beneficial to me on a life scale. But I don't need to worry about it. I don't have absolute control over it, and it just isn't the biggest problem I have to solve.

Of course I'm sure if things get weird tonight when I try to chat her up a bit I'll come right back here and lay some depressed bullshit on you guys, you know, to keep the mood up. What's the point of other's misfortune if it can't make you feel better about yourself?

Ah, I feel better. Writing it out seems to put things into that perspective that makes logical sense that your head sometimes has no way of grasping. I'll see you in a few days, and hopefully not tonight.

What The Fuck Has Happened?

Seriously, come on.

Nine months, a wealth of shit, a new home, a new job, still massive(more massive to be exact) financial problems, alcohol and drug abuse, and the most retarded love interests that anyone could ever conceive. I was just today denied the opportunity to serve my country as an officer due to my unyielding honesty about the aforementioned drug abuse, and things are generally all around shitty.

But the funniest part is, it's better than when I posted last.

I quit my previous job, and now I'm waiting tables in Denton, TX with a degree. But Denton feels like home. It's odd, but this city feels like my city. I like the people I've met, the place I'm staying, and I'm almost apprehensive about leaving, which is in itself slightly depressing, but not really. I think I'm going to get a job at another restaurant to help pay bills, all while trying to find what I really want to do in life. But right now I need to rant.

So today my honesty fucked me. Congrats U.S. government, you really are built on a house of lies. If you find yourself saying "well yeah," and questioning my intellect based on my oversight of this obvious truth, I'll put it out there that I had a slight bit more faith in honesty and what is right, but no longer. Once again the right is rewarded with disappointment, and the few sweet days I had of bliss in having a sense of direction in my life has careened off track again. I tell myself it is most likely for the better, but I really can't see it. It's a self delusion at this point, an effort in convincing myself that through high morals and my self conceived sense of faith in mankind, that humanity is doing its best to disprove. I abominate this situation, because I really can see no benefit to me or the country I would have served. Good job!

There's more to this post somewhere, but for now I'm going to go get drunk.

July Sucked!

Yes yes, it's been over a month since I updated this. I'm sincerely sorry to my avid readers, all zero of you. The fact that someone I know took mention of the fact that I had not updated this in a while is actually quite heartening, so here's a hearty thank you to her.

I can not think of much in the way of non-personal content here. As it stands, I play Forza or Eve-Online, watch Deadliest Catch and work. When I'm not doing one of those three things I'm drunk or asleep, sometimes both. The last UFC, 72, was boring as hell and there were very few fights of consequence. All we learned from this UFC is who to not look forward to in the future. The video game summer slump is well in progress, and all the titles I have been looking forward to have either been pushed back or released demos that have un-sold me on games. I'm looking at you BioShock and Blue Dragon.

With that amount of bitching out of the way, there is something worthwhile I can talk about, and that is books. God I miss reading entertaining books, and it is something I managed to get done so far this month. I read Dune and Ender's Game, both fantastic books. Dune was fantastic in every way, well written, engaging, and a very unique look into the future that I think can only come from the past. If that doesn't make sense, it's because the book was written in 1965, before personal computers, before the internet and HDTV, and reality was quite different, and as such the outlook was. Who doesn't remember some Hanna Barbera cartoon from the 50s, where in the year 2000 people are flying hovercars, or all sorts of weird technology that we are in no way closer to than we were back then? It's because of this that this book was different, and I enjoyed that.

Ender's Game was good, that is until the last chapter. This is not to say it isn't worth reading, but I'll be damned if he couldn't have left that off and made the book much better. I also find this interesting becasue it is a case of "boy saves world from evil" which with the surge of interest garnered by this from everyone's favorite boy wizard, maybe we'll see some sort of media interest in this story. I pray we do not. The book was short and easy to read. It's something that your friends who don't really read books could get through.

Now that I have those two "sci-fi classics" out of the way, I am left with a void in which I have no books to read. I want to stay in the sci-fi genre, but I want to avoid the stars, that is to say Star Trek or Star Wars, as those just seemed played out. If anyone reads this and knows of good cyberpunk books, hook me the hell up.

It's no secret I'm depressed. At this point it's not so much that I need to bitch about it, it has ridden itself to a point of redundancy. I am going to spare you the depression talk for the moment, but be aware a heavy post is on the horizon. As it stands, I am more and more comfortable with the thought of leaving my current employer, even if I don't have another job at the moment, simply becasue the point of no other option is arriving.

I did not proofread this, so I apologize right now.

Forza Motorsport and The Professional Slump

Here is another two-part entry, as if it weren't evident. First part is about Forza Motorsport 2, a new Xbox 360 game which I have been trying to play whenever I can. The second part is about my career inactivity and some other emotional nonsense. Take what you want, leave the rest.

If you like racing simulator games, go buy Forza Motorsport 2. Did you play any of the Gran Turismo series? Do you have an Xbox 360? Do you like good games? Well go buy it then. When it comes to racing sims (A genre of games in which I would say I am quite knowledgeable) there are a few aspects of the game I see as being more critical than others. Track design and physics are the two most important. Graphics, music, game modes and everything is worthless if the game lacks good tracks and a solid physics engine, and Forza has both. The track design is easy, most of the tracks are true-to-life replicas of some of my favorite tracks. Road Atlanta, Sebring, Suzuka, Laguna Seca, and the big poppy Nurburgring are just a few of the wonderful selection of licensed tracks. On top of those quality entries, the in-house designed tracks are solid. They have a variety of turns that require skill without seeming nonsensical. Good examples of games with nonsensical tracks is so-called racing sim the Project Gotham Racing series. The tracks are obviously designed by someone whom has never raced a car.

The physics are solid. The car acts and reacts like it should. There isn't more to be said about this, if you like your racing games to be simulation-esque, then this fits the bill. The best part though, is that these two solid elements are just the core of an exceptional title all around. Forza has amazing multiplayer mode, customization of cars, career modes, music(Goldfrapp, NERD and The Chemical Brothers!) graphics, the whole lot. Forza is exactly what I want in a racing sim. If you like these games, buy it.

On to part two.

My best friend and I seem to have weekly talks about my job station. Normally it is a multiple hour talk fueled by cigarettes, beer and countless cutting rejoinders to each point. A grudgematch of intellects, doing everything possible to truly breakdown what it is going on in my skull. As much as I do argue with him in these conversations, I do appreciate everything he has to say from his perspective. Given that we have different outlooks on life and the limitations thereof, I enjoy hearing what he has to say regarding my situation.

The problem is my drive, my lack of motivation. I look at most of my friends and they have something that drives them. The aforementioned friend wants to be a doctor. He doesn't want to be a doctor because of a desire for money, but as a result of a family tragedy. He knows he can do a better job than many doctors and wants to help people. Another friend of mine wants to write horror fiction, and as such he writes often. If even just for the sake or writing, it is his goal, something he is working towards. Yet another friend wants to be a publisher. Even without being in that industry, she has met people, made connections and has a bit of a plan to work towards that goal. I do not have that goal, and that ultimately is the reason for this career slump.

I have no clue what I want to do, and that is terrifying. The question I have is "How do I find what I want to do?" and I believe it is a valid concern. Is it through attrition, a life of different jobs trying to find which one fits? Will I be put in an extraordinary situation, and from it draw a pursuit? Maybe it will be a chance encounter. Who knows, I sure as hell don't. I think I need to change some things however, to keep things fresh in life. I believe that my largest problem with change is the almighty dollar. I use my financial situation(defcon 3) as an easy excuse to avoid change, putting it off until things are "better." I can not help but believe that if I found something that truly consumed me, I would make things work. In the end, money is just an abstract, a means to an end. If any person is driven enough, they can make it happen. Money is not an obstacle to overcome, but more of a tax on being alive, and as long as you can pay that tax, everything else is up to you. It's just a real bitch trying to unlearn twenty years of upbringing.

So with the idea that whatever happens I will be able to make the money situation work, it falls back on to one point, the passion. What do I enjoy doing so much that it could drive me to do things I see as irrational? What job would make me throw caution to the wind, go back to school and succumb to thousands more in debt? I would like to think if I already knew this I would have the presence of mind to realize it. I say that meaning that if I had stumbled upon something that would drive me to such lengths I would be able to realize that and pursue it. Thusly I think I have yet to discover my life's desire.

At this juncture, that is irrelevant. I need to try another job and see if it makes me happy. It may be a trivial pursuit, but it is a pursuit none the less.

And I have figured it out. I know what my little bit piece in my blog will be. The best part is I am not telling any readers, and a cookie to you if you figure it out.

Dream Theater and Some Such.

My favorite progressive metal band, Dream Theater, will be playing a large venue here in Dallas on August 2nd. I will be there, and if you have any inkling of an interest in highly technical music, or progressive rock at all I recommend you be there too. It is not an event to pass up I'm told.

I am going to quote Wikipedia real quick, because it defines this genre as well as I could hope to.

"Progressive metal is a subgenre of heavy metal music which blends the powerful, guitar-driven sound of metal with the complex compositional structures, odd time signatures, and intricate instrumental playing of progressive rock. Some progressive metal bands are also influenced by jazz fusion music. Like progressive rock songs, progressive metal songs are usually much longer than standard rock songs, and songs are often thematically linked in concept albums. As a result, progressive metal is rarely heard on mainstream radio and video programs."

There you have it, Prog Metal. The level of talent these people have not only in playing their respective instruments, but playing together is astounding. It's the entire reason I enjoy this genre of music. I am also a fan of concept albums, as I feel it is a lost art in the musicians of this era. (Making decent music is also lost on most bands of this decade, but that's another topic altogether) Dream Theater's albums "Images and Words" and "Octavarium" are perhaps my two favorite in their collection, and if you have an interest at all I recommend you start there. Their twenty-three minute ballad "Change of Seasons" off an album of the same name is also a musical powerhouse of audio expression.

To criticize them, their lyrics can be rather generic at times, but they flow with the music well enough that I do not care. When it comes to singers in bands, I always find myself enjoying bands who instead of making the lead singer and lyrics less of a focal point in the song, and instead treat it as another instrument. They strive to blend their singing with the melody, and produce a sound that I can lose myself in, without fumbling about seeking some meaning in their lyrics, therefore the generic lyrics do not bother me.

So hopefully if you have not heard of this band and have a vested interest in the heavier side of things, you can be convinced to give them a listen, and maybe even catch a show on their tour.

I guess I feel pretty good tonight. It was a bit of a wash of emotions, but none too fierce to truly toss me astray. It seems as if whatever curveball I get thrown at any given time, a good quiet drive through the city at night can melt away all tensions and unrest, and it has tonight. I'm not really in the proper mood for my usual eloquent inner monologues, I'm lacking inspiration of the sort. I hope this is no indication of emotional instability being a muse, but it wouldn't be terribly surprising given the amount of wonderful literature birthed on the edge of depression. Regardless, I can get back to that another night when I feel like it. This may seem like a pointless update to a reader, but to me I feel good, and that's something I see value in writing down.

An Update This Way Comes

I feel guilty, as if I have been cheating people out of an important opportunity to read something worthwhile on my blog.(No one reads it, and it has nothing worthwhile. Please don't let this irony be lost) In case you hadn't noticed, I have not been updating this. Life has been busier than usual lately, so these blog updates will most likely be spotty and not timely until things cool down. God only knows when that will be. So after much delay, I have something to say.

I am a big fan of the Ultimate Fighting Championship. I am convinced the love for competitive violence is linked to some primal instinct all predatory animals posess. Regardless of the why, I enjoy the UFC. With all the recent going-ons in the league, this has been a very entertaining year.

In the most recent pay-per-view event, defending light-heavyweight champion Chuck Lidell got knocked out by a newcomer to the UFC(but veteran to the sport) Quinton "Rampage" Jackson. This is the latest in a string of upsets this year. Starting with Rich Franklin losing to Silva, the belts for almost every single title (For some reason the lightweight champion hasn't had to defend his title, which probably shouldn't be his to begin with) have changed hands this year. This string of upsets has been entertaining to watch, but almost too convenient. I am not suggesting that fights have been fixed, but I believe the influx of talent from other mixed martial arts leagues has shown how limited the pool of fighters the UFC has been picking from is. Who in the current crop of fighters will be able to stand up to this new wave of fighters? My guess is that these titles will continue to change hands, and this will make the PPV fights worth watching. UFC 72 has a pretty dull fight card however (I'm not a Rich Franklin fan) but I'm sure I'll find a place to watch it regardless.

Large men beating each other silly aside, life has seemed to be a whirlwind of activity and interest, but the reality of it may be more dull than it feels. I have recently discovered that I have absolutely no faith in humanity as a whole. I assume most of the time that if someone can screw up they more than likely will. This ethos of mine is almost undressing in the manner of which it explains my actions, revealing more to my intentions and assumptions than most simple statements can. The fact that this statement can explain so much of my processes is unsettling, a fact in which itself is unsettling.

How is it then that the only thing I can think of that I truly want to do with my life is help other people? I believe that people are generally screw-ups, but I feel compelled and motivated to help people. If I truly thought that people will not change, and more often then not screw up why would I want to spend a life devoted to helping them? It's odd, but then again I am too. Hopefully I'll get around to figuring out if I want to work for a NPO or some other public service soon. I am very slow to change and I think that is a fault of mine I need to work on changing, especially if I ever want a real chance to live the nomadic lifestyle I dream about.

Well that's it for today, well right now I should say. I know if I begin to really delve in to the thoughts I have I could write a self-absorbed book. I will keep it short now, but this is only the tip of the iceberg in to the labyrinth of personal thought.