Okay, So Maybe Not.

Alright, I am not entirely sure how this writing will go, but I do think my previous entry warrants some kind or update. At the very least it proves that getting absolutely hammered drunk and posting on my blog is not a fantastic idea, that comma usage was atrocious.

Where are things now? That was a little more than a month ago I posted about my (then) severely disappointing run in with Officer Candidacy School in the U.S. Army. Two quick notes about that: First, most likely for the better. I would like to point out that I said that it might be in my previous post, and I'm going to say I was right. Not what I needed, or at least needed right then. Maybe the service has a point in my future, but it isn't near that soon. Second, on a wonderfully uplifting note, the time frame on my substance abuse would have been lifted this may, so that I could in fact have joined in a couple months, and the members of the board wanted me to appear before them. They wanted me to appear, asked for me by name. Perhaps there was some scrap of truth to my thoughts that honesty and sincerity can pull you through in this world. It hasn't quite happened yet, but still it's something.

So what next? I guess that is the question. Closer yet to finding that job to pay the bills and sustain myself. I am applying for jobs, random as they may be, in hopes that something will stick against the wall and at least get me started digging myself out of this pit.

I guess the most beneficial part of writing this blog is that it does help me put things in to perspective, that or it embarrasses me in to not feeling so bad about things. Either way it gets the job done. Point in case is girls, or girl to be exact. I highly doubt I am the only man, or person (I bet girls do this too) to just be overly paranoid about something that could be a budding relationship. Why is it that in these situations that we manage to ignore every positive sign, throw away all good omens of a want for you from the other person, and focus all of our thoughts on the few moments that things are, for lack of a better word, awkward? Furthermore why do I put all this pressure on it? For the last several days this girl and my absolute fear that things are fucked up has been stuck inside my head twenty-four seven. It's damn near enough to make me envious of some shut in hermit xenophobe for not having to deal with people. I have known this girl at most three or four weeks, and we've only seen each other a handful of times. Why is it that I am so entranced with her?

As there are very few simple questions in life, there is no short answer. Yes, she makes me feel pretty good about myself. She (I hope) likes me, for me no less. She finds the fact that I'm so outward about my goofiness, flaws, and am comfortable with them, attractive. She makes me feel good about all that stuff that I spend so much time worrying about, and who wouldn't like that? Is it that this is the sole girl to do this? No, but she's doing it now and that is what's relevant. She is a cool girl to boot. She likes goofy crap, is a bit of an artist (ceramics) and is pretty fun to be around. She laughs at my jokes and makes me laugh. This is my single most favorite thing in a woman, and you can almost be guaranteed if this is the case with any girl I will have an attraction to her. So if you don't like me, just don't laugh. Regardless, I dig her. I would like to say that I'm not overly infatuated with her, but I'm not entirely sure that's the case. If I wasn't, why would the silence of not having talked to her, much less spent our last words on an uncomfortable situation, be absolutely incapacitating my thought processes for that last days, and be well on it's way to a third?

The thing I can not drill in to my head is though that it doesn't matter right now, relax, and just do what you do. I mean, if she likes me then going fucking insane in my head over a couple strange days certainly isn't the most enticing thing when it comes to judging another person's mental health. And is it as bad as it sounds, I don't know. It could be the compound of all the other stresses in my life raining down upon me, and this is just one last kick in the wedding bits to make sure I'm feeling like shit most of the time. Compound that with some heavy drinking and you have a recipe for a mess of a head. Oh well, I'll try to resolve this, and I'm sure that all of my worry will prove for naught as it has so many times in the past. I mean if I'm a well put together, well kept and good looking smart badass (and I am) then who wouldn't want to be with me? I hope to god everyone reading this knows me well enough to grasp the half hearted sarcasm in this post, otherwise I'll come off as quite an ass. Which I am, but for entirely different reasons.

This kind of crap is even affecting me other ways too, but I can try to use this as a positive thing. These past few weeks I've been searching for a job harder than ever. Well that's good, but I should have been looking for one full steam for, oh, the last seven months, but why now? Because I want to be able to afford having a girl. Fuck. Can you believe that? That's the most re-goddamn-tarded thing I've heard in a long while. "Hey chumpo, stop being a slob, get a job and be productive in society"
"No I'm content with being able to afford to eat maybe twice a day."
"Hey, what about this hot girl, she's better than eating food, right?"
"Hot damn you are right, time to get to work sir so I can spend my hard earned cash on movies, expensive meals and gifts to woo her. Way more important than personal success and financial stability."
"Well that's fucking stupid, but whatever gets you a job."
Sounds dumb, is dumb, but if it works then I guess it's a good thing.

And that's that. One last thing though, this post is damn near indicative of something that doesn't make sense to me. On the list of problems I have to sort out in my life, the career and financial burden is a big numero uno. On the long list of shit that's important right now in life worrying about one really cool, super cute girl who I think digs me is somewhere between am I eating too much peanut butter and have I washed enough underwear this week. It's not that it isn't important, if I could get a good thing going with L(I just decided this will be how I refer to her here) that would be awesome, and hopefully pretty beneficial to me on a life scale. But I don't need to worry about it. I don't have absolute control over it, and it just isn't the biggest problem I have to solve.

Of course I'm sure if things get weird tonight when I try to chat her up a bit I'll come right back here and lay some depressed bullshit on you guys, you know, to keep the mood up. What's the point of other's misfortune if it can't make you feel better about yourself?

Ah, I feel better. Writing it out seems to put things into that perspective that makes logical sense that your head sometimes has no way of grasping. I'll see you in a few days, and hopefully not tonight.