It would seem that I am just as bad at forming habits as I am at kicking them. I don't know how to handle this post. You see, my last post as I'm sure you can see was in June, and it kind of goes without saying that some stuff has happened since then. Met a few women, reconnected with a few others, made some good friends, moved in with a few of them. I am working the same job I was, which I suppose is a good thing. It's all experience for the resume, or so I imagine. If it ends up not being then this would seem silly, but that's not the kind of stuff we can afford to second guess.
I suppose the most logical thing here would be simply to re-examine my great experiment. I live in Austin, my address of record is in Austin. Sure I've only been here since June, but I live here. It is an odd feeling. I find myself thinking about home rather often, but I don't know if I'll ever live there again. It is not because I have found some paradise in Austin. This is just another city, but it's one I am experiencing. I imagine the thought that I had experienced what Dallas had to offer is what made me desire to move so much. I must admit that I did misprize the value of having family close to me, as I find myself often wishing I could simply drive over there for a night, and go to work the next morning. I guess this has to do with having not been home in a while, but it's not a big deal, I just would like to see them soon. So far my experiment is a success, and not only that it is far easier and less intimidating than I had imagined. I moved, big deal. I got a job, and moved to it. People do this damn near every day, so why was I so scared of it? Sure there is always the unknown to be scared about, but it really is not. What? The Unknown, regarded usually as a frightful thought, but only to some, and those people really just haven't figured it out. I had no clue if I would even be down here for a couple weeks, fail and go home, but I sure as hell wasn't going to find out if I hadn't done it. I did do it, and I so far have done well. It really wasn't even that much of an unknown, it was just unknown at the time. If you do not know something now, that doesn't guarantee you won't learn it. Just think about it. Sure it could all seem daunting at first, but you have time on your side, you'll figure it out. I now know the neighborhoods of the city, the highways, fun places to go, how to get to my friend's places, shit I have friends here, and a fair bunch of them. So what was I so worried about? Was I worried, or just excited? Hell I don't know, but I do know I'm okay.
Not everything is perfect, but it never will be. One could argue that meeting people of the opposite sex is difficult, but to be pretty frank I haven't put a whole lot of effort in to it. Well, problem solved, right? I don't know. I have some odd trepidations about the concept of a relationship in my life right now. It is actually a topic of much thought in my spare time, and not so spare time. I don't really feel compelled to put forth the effort to try to establish any relationship based on a couple of factors: I haven't met a single girl that I really think anything would work with, and that in order for it to work, she'd have to be okay with moving, because I will not be staying in this city for quite a long time. Hell if I can save enough money I might be moving next september when our lease is up. I guess the part that I find the most strange is my age. I'm twenty-five, a lot of people are getting married. There are chances that the long-term relationships I forge now could be the ones that are forever. Do I think they will? No. The people I might meet however, might. It is this odd several year transfer from what I label a student to an adult, that I realize the gravity of the situations I might be put in. Granted that those decisons are entirely up to me, as I am the master of mine own domain, but they still carry the weight if only internally associated with some major life events.
This is not a big enough issue to keep me up at night, haunt my dreams and so forth. It is merely a simple outlet for idle thought. Regardless of how much I worry about it, the most important fact is that it doesn't matter. Very little I can do will affect the outcome of these complications in life, it is best to do what comes naturally and just see what happens. Which is exactly what I'm doing, so rock the fuck on me.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
So What Now?
Life goes on
Uneventfully.
And that is the basis for this discussion with no one but myself. My life is going on. I'm doing a better job of paying bills than I have recently, and hope to continue this trend. I'm working, making do, and for the foreseeable future have a job. So what now? How do I grow Mr. David S.? Hypothetically my time spent working is opening possibilities towards a new career, so why doesn't it feel like it?
My job is easy. I'm learning a lot, to be sure. I'm doing better, and improving and trying to succeed. So that's a good thing. But how am I going to make that step up? I've only been working here three weeks, so I assume it's something I shouldn't be worrying about. I should be worrying about just doing my job well, and not goofing around at work.
Well, that's enough about work, what about outside? I have made some friends with people I work with. Turns out we have similar interests, but it certainly isn't the crowd I got used to at the restaurant. I guess the service industry is its own breed of stupid, and I came to enjoy it. The group of familiar, regular but still nebulous drinking buddies was entertaining, and something I hope to find down here. I feel that group of people really helped me a lot to open up, and strangely now that I don't have them I'm feeling a little more closed in, a little more reclusive. I used to be louder and more boisterous, but I'm not as much.
But it's been three weeks. In all reality I'm probably just feeling a tiny bit homesick. I'll find something to do, somewhere to volunteer, some hobby to have. The Austin Chronicle is a seemingly endless list of places to go and crap to do. I guess I just have to get used to going out by myself. I have some people to go, but no one I'm terribly comfortable with at the moment. Oh well, those people are out there and I'll meet them. I guess for now I just need to make sure my head stays screwed on, my pocketbook stays closed tight and my bills get paid. I can worry about getting drunk and meeting strangers later. I know I won't feel so forlorn forever, I'll snap out after this bout of homesickness and kick the city in the metaphorical groin and enjoy myself.
Until I force myself to write again, I bid adieu
Uneventfully.
And that is the basis for this discussion with no one but myself. My life is going on. I'm doing a better job of paying bills than I have recently, and hope to continue this trend. I'm working, making do, and for the foreseeable future have a job. So what now? How do I grow Mr. David S.? Hypothetically my time spent working is opening possibilities towards a new career, so why doesn't it feel like it?
My job is easy. I'm learning a lot, to be sure. I'm doing better, and improving and trying to succeed. So that's a good thing. But how am I going to make that step up? I've only been working here three weeks, so I assume it's something I shouldn't be worrying about. I should be worrying about just doing my job well, and not goofing around at work.
Well, that's enough about work, what about outside? I have made some friends with people I work with. Turns out we have similar interests, but it certainly isn't the crowd I got used to at the restaurant. I guess the service industry is its own breed of stupid, and I came to enjoy it. The group of familiar, regular but still nebulous drinking buddies was entertaining, and something I hope to find down here. I feel that group of people really helped me a lot to open up, and strangely now that I don't have them I'm feeling a little more closed in, a little more reclusive. I used to be louder and more boisterous, but I'm not as much.
But it's been three weeks. In all reality I'm probably just feeling a tiny bit homesick. I'll find something to do, somewhere to volunteer, some hobby to have. The Austin Chronicle is a seemingly endless list of places to go and crap to do. I guess I just have to get used to going out by myself. I have some people to go, but no one I'm terribly comfortable with at the moment. Oh well, those people are out there and I'll meet them. I guess for now I just need to make sure my head stays screwed on, my pocketbook stays closed tight and my bills get paid. I can worry about getting drunk and meeting strangers later. I know I won't feel so forlorn forever, I'll snap out after this bout of homesickness and kick the city in the metaphorical groin and enjoy myself.
Until I force myself to write again, I bid adieu
Monday, June 16, 2008
I'm Writing This To Form A Habit.
I'm going to be really honest here, there isn't a whole lot to say. Some more time went by, and I'm still living in Austin, working my new job and enjoying the whole of it. Money still sucks and is constantly ruining any chance of being in a good mood, and I'm still considering some alternate form of income short of illegal activities. So I'm writing this merely to form the habit, so that I don't let this blog get away from me. Please do not take this as some form of literary punishment for reading this, I just need to do this for my sake, so that when I do have something relevant to say, I will have formed the habits necessary to do so.
I spent last weekend in Dallas and Denton. My good friend whose wedding I will be one of the two best men at (the bride couldn't pick one maid of honor) This does mark the first time I went back home while living here and to be honest, it didn't have a great impact either way. I thought I would terribly long to be living there again, which I wasn't. I thought after going out Friday night with my claque I would miss them all. There is something to this, I miss my friends, but to play the cold hearted person for a moment, I'll make new ones. Hell I already am. This is not to say I will not miss my friends, I do dearly. I would love to see all of them all the time, and once I get really settled I will be doing all I can to regularly visit them, or if they come down here I will do whatever I can to see them. I do miss them, they will always be there and I will always be here for them. I can just make new friends, and have little trouble doing so.
I might have something with a girl up there though. It could be a haze of loneliness and alcohol, but there's a girl in Denton who I kind of dig, who I believe kind of digs me. She'll be moving to Houston in late July, which still puts her a hell of a long way away, but it's somehow nice just having the impression that she appreciates me.
So all of this having been said, things have been uneventful. It's akin to those slow news days where some reporter on the local news, obviously annoyed, has to report about the local chili cook off.
I'll be back next week at least, even if it is only to regale you with tales of what I've eaten.
I spent last weekend in Dallas and Denton. My good friend whose wedding I will be one of the two best men at (the bride couldn't pick one maid of honor) This does mark the first time I went back home while living here and to be honest, it didn't have a great impact either way. I thought I would terribly long to be living there again, which I wasn't. I thought after going out Friday night with my claque I would miss them all. There is something to this, I miss my friends, but to play the cold hearted person for a moment, I'll make new ones. Hell I already am. This is not to say I will not miss my friends, I do dearly. I would love to see all of them all the time, and once I get really settled I will be doing all I can to regularly visit them, or if they come down here I will do whatever I can to see them. I do miss them, they will always be there and I will always be here for them. I can just make new friends, and have little trouble doing so.
I might have something with a girl up there though. It could be a haze of loneliness and alcohol, but there's a girl in Denton who I kind of dig, who I believe kind of digs me. She'll be moving to Houston in late July, which still puts her a hell of a long way away, but it's somehow nice just having the impression that she appreciates me.
So all of this having been said, things have been uneventful. It's akin to those slow news days where some reporter on the local news, obviously annoyed, has to report about the local chili cook off.
I'll be back next week at least, even if it is only to regale you with tales of what I've eaten.
Friday, June 6, 2008
First Impressions
Today marks the first workweek of me being in Austin. I've done the nine-to-five gig for this week, and I guess in the interest of having a decent journal here, I'll give you an update.
I guess the first status update for me, I'm okay so far. Some of the bills have been paid, it's only the sixth of the month, and next week the (minimal) paychecks will start coming in. I am just worried that it will not be enough to sustain myself, but once again that is something that I entirely control. I bought groceries, they are still substantial and I came in at just over budget for those, but I had some initial purchases to cover. I might have a lead on a second job, a friend offered to try and get me a job as a door man for a nice bar downtown. Weekend work, 9pm-3am shifts, the same pay I make here but the hours work well enough for me to work both, and the way I see it, it will keep me out of trouble those days, as well as get me the social drinking that I would like to have.
And speaking of, I went to meet a friend on Wednesday. She is another Dallas transplant who works at the aforementioned bar downtown. She's nice if not a little crazy, she is with man, but that really isn't the point. I mean I wouldn't kick her out of bed, but our relationship as acquaintances more or less nullifies any possibility, which I like. It just alleviates the tension. Point in case I met her at her bar, and had some beers and a few smokes. It was a good time, and the people watching was interesting. This place caters to an older crowd, but an older crowd of more laid back socialites. Sure these people are someone's parents, teachers, bosses, but they're out to have a good time in the city. It was interesting to see, it was a far cry from the drunken-college-student scene in Denton. Admittedly they have that same scene here in droves, dwarfing my previous locale. The sixth street area we all know as the alcoholic's tourist attraction is still a nightly workshop in liver destruction, with a guest appearance from anonymous sexual encounters. But I digress, the point is the Wednesday night. This Irish pub has a local constituency of Irish regulars, with accents and drinking problems in tow. For whatever reason this particular night a supposed internationally popular Irish singer/songwriter was in town, drinking at this bar, guitar in hand. We all sat/stood around, drank our beers and listened to him and the locals play music. It was entertaining. Obviously I am no stranger to bands at bars, even the lowliest of cities has a music scene, but it was different, and I enjoyed it.
Then there was last night. My boss had some friends in town from California who were playing at a bar downtown. Myself and a couple co-workers (Which by the way, the video game industry, unsurprisingly, is full of people who really don't know how to go out to bars. Their social skills are lacking, but still they are good people) go to the place and get liquored up. The girl singer who warmed up for them http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=97374705 was nice, and went to school at Texas Women's, so not only was she a lesbian but from Denton. Needless to say I felt comfortable, and her taste in music to cover was nice. After her having done a good job of warming the crowd up, my friend's band, Sweetness http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=2146932 played a great set, had a good stage presence and it helps that the music was very enjoyable. I might have spent more than I wanted to, but it was within budget and I had a good time.
So tonight I write this on the brink of going home to get ready to, you guessed it, go out. My plan is to go out and minimize expenditure while maximizing the good times. In drunk talk this means I will be drinking before I leave and feeling happily replete until last call.
I guess my job is something worth mentioning. I feel that after my first full week I am gaining the knowledge and respect to start being productive. This is the first step towards my hopefully budding career, and I think my past experience with proffessional work environments will help me out more than I imagined it would. Unfortunately, that positive comes with a few expected realizations. An office is an office, is an office. Bullshit politics, looking down upon contract workers, long hours and tough nights will be a part of the job. The realization is that it will always be a part of the job. There is no job without hard work, but so far I feel like this is something I enjoy. Of course time will tell, but I feel good about this.
So that's it, that's first impressions. I like Austin, I like my job, and I hope I can keep my wilder side in check enough to manage. Bills will be tough but with the prospect of another job and overtime I think I can do this. So wish me luck, I'll be back shortly
I guess the first status update for me, I'm okay so far. Some of the bills have been paid, it's only the sixth of the month, and next week the (minimal) paychecks will start coming in. I am just worried that it will not be enough to sustain myself, but once again that is something that I entirely control. I bought groceries, they are still substantial and I came in at just over budget for those, but I had some initial purchases to cover. I might have a lead on a second job, a friend offered to try and get me a job as a door man for a nice bar downtown. Weekend work, 9pm-3am shifts, the same pay I make here but the hours work well enough for me to work both, and the way I see it, it will keep me out of trouble those days, as well as get me the social drinking that I would like to have.
And speaking of, I went to meet a friend on Wednesday. She is another Dallas transplant who works at the aforementioned bar downtown. She's nice if not a little crazy, she is with man, but that really isn't the point. I mean I wouldn't kick her out of bed, but our relationship as acquaintances more or less nullifies any possibility, which I like. It just alleviates the tension. Point in case I met her at her bar, and had some beers and a few smokes. It was a good time, and the people watching was interesting. This place caters to an older crowd, but an older crowd of more laid back socialites. Sure these people are someone's parents, teachers, bosses, but they're out to have a good time in the city. It was interesting to see, it was a far cry from the drunken-college-student scene in Denton. Admittedly they have that same scene here in droves, dwarfing my previous locale. The sixth street area we all know as the alcoholic's tourist attraction is still a nightly workshop in liver destruction, with a guest appearance from anonymous sexual encounters. But I digress, the point is the Wednesday night. This Irish pub has a local constituency of Irish regulars, with accents and drinking problems in tow. For whatever reason this particular night a supposed internationally popular Irish singer/songwriter was in town, drinking at this bar, guitar in hand. We all sat/stood around, drank our beers and listened to him and the locals play music. It was entertaining. Obviously I am no stranger to bands at bars, even the lowliest of cities has a music scene, but it was different, and I enjoyed it.
Then there was last night. My boss had some friends in town from California who were playing at a bar downtown. Myself and a couple co-workers (Which by the way, the video game industry, unsurprisingly, is full of people who really don't know how to go out to bars. Their social skills are lacking, but still they are good people) go to the place and get liquored up. The girl singer who warmed up for them http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=97374705 was nice, and went to school at Texas Women's, so not only was she a lesbian but from Denton. Needless to say I felt comfortable, and her taste in music to cover was nice. After her having done a good job of warming the crowd up, my friend's band, Sweetness http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=2146932 played a great set, had a good stage presence and it helps that the music was very enjoyable. I might have spent more than I wanted to, but it was within budget and I had a good time.
So tonight I write this on the brink of going home to get ready to, you guessed it, go out. My plan is to go out and minimize expenditure while maximizing the good times. In drunk talk this means I will be drinking before I leave and feeling happily replete until last call.
I guess my job is something worth mentioning. I feel that after my first full week I am gaining the knowledge and respect to start being productive. This is the first step towards my hopefully budding career, and I think my past experience with proffessional work environments will help me out more than I imagined it would. Unfortunately, that positive comes with a few expected realizations. An office is an office, is an office. Bullshit politics, looking down upon contract workers, long hours and tough nights will be a part of the job. The realization is that it will always be a part of the job. There is no job without hard work, but so far I feel like this is something I enjoy. Of course time will tell, but I feel good about this.
So that's it, that's first impressions. I like Austin, I like my job, and I hope I can keep my wilder side in check enough to manage. Bills will be tough but with the prospect of another job and overtime I think I can do this. So wish me luck, I'll be back shortly
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Change Can Be Good
It finally happened.
I got off my ass, got a (sort of) real job and moved to another city.
It all happened real quick, and I'm still not really comfortable with it. I was just getting settled. I moved from Denton back home to Richardson, got all set up to spend a summer with the parents, paying off debts, preparing to get my life in order. I looked forward to teaching myself some discipline within the safe confines of my old bedroom of fourteen years, and re-establishing myself in the world. But I guess someone had different plans.
I'm on vacation, Port O'Connor Texas, going saltwater bay fishing with some good friends. I have my phone turned off to avoid running the battery, not to mention the silence is relaxing. I wasn't worrying about anyone back home, my only concern was watching out for jellyfish, and trying to find a bite on my line. Friends, girls, family, all quiet, save for the sound of a few swearing while casting line in to the salty water. It was fun, I caught a couple trout. Sunburned, exhausted, and ready for a mid-afternoon nap I check my voicemail expecting the usual cavalcade of collectors and nonsense, but instead I hear someone pleading for me to call them regarding employment. I thought I didn't get this job, they were all filled. I had taken solace in the disappointment and prepared to work towards the future; but it was Saturday, and I could not make this call until Tuesday at best.
While I was exhausted from the road trips (little did I know it would be the least of it) I made the phone call on Tuesday. I had the job. I was going to be working on video games, and getting paid. They wanted me to start Wednesday, which was of course too little time, I would require at least 24 hours to move to a new city and start a new job, duh.
Well my plans were shot. There was an attractive girl in Denton I think had a thing for me, not to mention some lost contacts re-acquainted in Dallas. I was going to be able to save money while not paying rent and things would be good. What the hell was I going to do now? This job would pay less than my server job I was training for, how could I, two dimes away from bankruptcy, move to a new city and start a job?
Thanks to a friend I had a couch to sleep on. Sure it was uncomfortable, I was harassed by cats all night and the place had a stench like someone trying to emulate the african wild in their house, but I was working the next day, I had to be there. The workday felt, well, like a workday that didn't suck. Sure I worked ten hours my first day, but I was not exhausted the day after. I did not have the sense of dread about coming in the next day as I did with my office job. Even now, typing this at work off the clock (hooray for not having internet at the apartment for a week) I do not mind being here. I feel surrounded by peers, in an environment I'm comfortable with. Will this last? I don't know. Even my job by definition is temporary, but this is a simple bagatelle compared to the possibility of finding something I truly love to do.
I have an apartment, at least for two months. By the grace of the gods my friend was leaving town and looking to sublet his apartment the same week I was moving to Austin. It is slightly strange living there, as if I'm surrounded by the shadow of someone I've known so long. Every odd quirk about his apartment makes sense to me. Everything I see smells of him and his obsessiveness and secrecy, but it could be worse. Having to clean out and relocate the undergarments drawer of someone I don't know could be more disconcerting, but I hopefully won't ever know. It is home, however, if only for the time being. And from my parking space I can see the tower of the University of Texas at Austin.
So this blog is no longer a place for me to vent when depressed, or angry, or whatever the case can be. This blog is now a record of my Austin experiment, where I hope to achieve the goals I set out and succeed. Will I be able to live on a budget? Will I be able to show the discipline to not drink myself to oblivion daily? Can I stop smoking? Am I correct in thinking I'd love to travel and live in new places? Am I as liberal as I think, or is that just Dallas wearing on me? Well that one I sorted out. While I consider myself progressive and free-thinking, these people in Austin are radicals. It is just two sides of the same coin, but I think I like living with tails a little better than heads. Regardless, it is of little concern. Does my life begin here, or is this just another speed bump on the road of eventual failure? Am I at the wheel driving, or am I simply bitching at the wind while the car crashes?
So here it begins. My Great Austin Experiment.
I got off my ass, got a (sort of) real job and moved to another city.
It all happened real quick, and I'm still not really comfortable with it. I was just getting settled. I moved from Denton back home to Richardson, got all set up to spend a summer with the parents, paying off debts, preparing to get my life in order. I looked forward to teaching myself some discipline within the safe confines of my old bedroom of fourteen years, and re-establishing myself in the world. But I guess someone had different plans.
I'm on vacation, Port O'Connor Texas, going saltwater bay fishing with some good friends. I have my phone turned off to avoid running the battery, not to mention the silence is relaxing. I wasn't worrying about anyone back home, my only concern was watching out for jellyfish, and trying to find a bite on my line. Friends, girls, family, all quiet, save for the sound of a few swearing while casting line in to the salty water. It was fun, I caught a couple trout. Sunburned, exhausted, and ready for a mid-afternoon nap I check my voicemail expecting the usual cavalcade of collectors and nonsense, but instead I hear someone pleading for me to call them regarding employment. I thought I didn't get this job, they were all filled. I had taken solace in the disappointment and prepared to work towards the future; but it was Saturday, and I could not make this call until Tuesday at best.
While I was exhausted from the road trips (little did I know it would be the least of it) I made the phone call on Tuesday. I had the job. I was going to be working on video games, and getting paid. They wanted me to start Wednesday, which was of course too little time, I would require at least 24 hours to move to a new city and start a new job, duh.
Well my plans were shot. There was an attractive girl in Denton I think had a thing for me, not to mention some lost contacts re-acquainted in Dallas. I was going to be able to save money while not paying rent and things would be good. What the hell was I going to do now? This job would pay less than my server job I was training for, how could I, two dimes away from bankruptcy, move to a new city and start a job?
Thanks to a friend I had a couch to sleep on. Sure it was uncomfortable, I was harassed by cats all night and the place had a stench like someone trying to emulate the african wild in their house, but I was working the next day, I had to be there. The workday felt, well, like a workday that didn't suck. Sure I worked ten hours my first day, but I was not exhausted the day after. I did not have the sense of dread about coming in the next day as I did with my office job. Even now, typing this at work off the clock (hooray for not having internet at the apartment for a week) I do not mind being here. I feel surrounded by peers, in an environment I'm comfortable with. Will this last? I don't know. Even my job by definition is temporary, but this is a simple bagatelle compared to the possibility of finding something I truly love to do.
I have an apartment, at least for two months. By the grace of the gods my friend was leaving town and looking to sublet his apartment the same week I was moving to Austin. It is slightly strange living there, as if I'm surrounded by the shadow of someone I've known so long. Every odd quirk about his apartment makes sense to me. Everything I see smells of him and his obsessiveness and secrecy, but it could be worse. Having to clean out and relocate the undergarments drawer of someone I don't know could be more disconcerting, but I hopefully won't ever know. It is home, however, if only for the time being. And from my parking space I can see the tower of the University of Texas at Austin.
So this blog is no longer a place for me to vent when depressed, or angry, or whatever the case can be. This blog is now a record of my Austin experiment, where I hope to achieve the goals I set out and succeed. Will I be able to live on a budget? Will I be able to show the discipline to not drink myself to oblivion daily? Can I stop smoking? Am I correct in thinking I'd love to travel and live in new places? Am I as liberal as I think, or is that just Dallas wearing on me? Well that one I sorted out. While I consider myself progressive and free-thinking, these people in Austin are radicals. It is just two sides of the same coin, but I think I like living with tails a little better than heads. Regardless, it is of little concern. Does my life begin here, or is this just another speed bump on the road of eventual failure? Am I at the wheel driving, or am I simply bitching at the wind while the car crashes?
So here it begins. My Great Austin Experiment.
Friday, April 4, 2008
Well, I Wasn't Expecting That.
It's been said that the only thing you can be certain of in life, is that you can never be certain of what's going to happen. This sounds ridiculously cliche, but the fact is the evidence in life supports this.
I hope to find out today or early next week if a position I interviewed for in Austin is going to be offered to me or not. This job I interviewed for is not going to be some miracle cure-all allowing me a life of ostentation. But it is a position in the industry I want, and that is the very best step forward in my career, which anyone who has kept up with this blog (Me and one other person, maybe two) knows is a major stress on my life. Things have been going very well with L up here in Denton. Obviously I would never forsake a career decision for a girl unless there was some serious time behind it. I just find it interesting, that's all.
EDIT: Redundancy check. Shit dun gone crazy.
Regardless, things are going well, and in no way are they going the way I expected, or anyone really expected, and we'll see how things pan out.
I hope to find out today or early next week if a position I interviewed for in Austin is going to be offered to me or not. This job I interviewed for is not going to be some miracle cure-all allowing me a life of ostentation. But it is a position in the industry I want, and that is the very best step forward in my career, which anyone who has kept up with this blog (Me and one other person, maybe two) knows is a major stress on my life. Things have been going very well with L up here in Denton. Obviously I would never forsake a career decision for a girl unless there was some serious time behind it. I just find it interesting, that's all.
EDIT: Redundancy check. Shit dun gone crazy.
Regardless, things are going well, and in no way are they going the way I expected, or anyone really expected, and we'll see how things pan out.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Okay, So Maybe Not.
Alright, I am not entirely sure how this writing will go, but I do think my previous entry warrants some kind or update. At the very least it proves that getting absolutely hammered drunk and posting on my blog is not a fantastic idea, that comma usage was atrocious.
Where are things now? That was a little more than a month ago I posted about my (then) severely disappointing run in with Officer Candidacy School in the U.S. Army. Two quick notes about that: First, most likely for the better. I would like to point out that I said that it might be in my previous post, and I'm going to say I was right. Not what I needed, or at least needed right then. Maybe the service has a point in my future, but it isn't near that soon. Second, on a wonderfully uplifting note, the time frame on my substance abuse would have been lifted this may, so that I could in fact have joined in a couple months, and the members of the board wanted me to appear before them. They wanted me to appear, asked for me by name. Perhaps there was some scrap of truth to my thoughts that honesty and sincerity can pull you through in this world. It hasn't quite happened yet, but still it's something.
So what next? I guess that is the question. Closer yet to finding that job to pay the bills and sustain myself. I am applying for jobs, random as they may be, in hopes that something will stick against the wall and at least get me started digging myself out of this pit.
I guess the most beneficial part of writing this blog is that it does help me put things in to perspective, that or it embarrasses me in to not feeling so bad about things. Either way it gets the job done. Point in case is girls, or girl to be exact. I highly doubt I am the only man, or person (I bet girls do this too) to just be overly paranoid about something that could be a budding relationship. Why is it that in these situations that we manage to ignore every positive sign, throw away all good omens of a want for you from the other person, and focus all of our thoughts on the few moments that things are, for lack of a better word, awkward? Furthermore why do I put all this pressure on it? For the last several days this girl and my absolute fear that things are fucked up has been stuck inside my head twenty-four seven. It's damn near enough to make me envious of some shut in hermit xenophobe for not having to deal with people. I have known this girl at most three or four weeks, and we've only seen each other a handful of times. Why is it that I am so entranced with her?
As there are very few simple questions in life, there is no short answer. Yes, she makes me feel pretty good about myself. She (I hope) likes me, for me no less. She finds the fact that I'm so outward about my goofiness, flaws, and am comfortable with them, attractive. She makes me feel good about all that stuff that I spend so much time worrying about, and who wouldn't like that? Is it that this is the sole girl to do this? No, but she's doing it now and that is what's relevant. She is a cool girl to boot. She likes goofy crap, is a bit of an artist (ceramics) and is pretty fun to be around. She laughs at my jokes and makes me laugh. This is my single most favorite thing in a woman, and you can almost be guaranteed if this is the case with any girl I will have an attraction to her. So if you don't like me, just don't laugh. Regardless, I dig her. I would like to say that I'm not overly infatuated with her, but I'm not entirely sure that's the case. If I wasn't, why would the silence of not having talked to her, much less spent our last words on an uncomfortable situation, be absolutely incapacitating my thought processes for that last days, and be well on it's way to a third?
The thing I can not drill in to my head is though that it doesn't matter right now, relax, and just do what you do. I mean, if she likes me then going fucking insane in my head over a couple strange days certainly isn't the most enticing thing when it comes to judging another person's mental health. And is it as bad as it sounds, I don't know. It could be the compound of all the other stresses in my life raining down upon me, and this is just one last kick in the wedding bits to make sure I'm feeling like shit most of the time. Compound that with some heavy drinking and you have a recipe for a mess of a head. Oh well, I'll try to resolve this, and I'm sure that all of my worry will prove for naught as it has so many times in the past. I mean if I'm a well put together, well kept and good looking smart badass (and I am) then who wouldn't want to be with me? I hope to god everyone reading this knows me well enough to grasp the half hearted sarcasm in this post, otherwise I'll come off as quite an ass. Which I am, but for entirely different reasons.
This kind of crap is even affecting me other ways too, but I can try to use this as a positive thing. These past few weeks I've been searching for a job harder than ever. Well that's good, but I should have been looking for one full steam for, oh, the last seven months, but why now? Because I want to be able to afford having a girl. Fuck. Can you believe that? That's the most re-goddamn-tarded thing I've heard in a long while. "Hey chumpo, stop being a slob, get a job and be productive in society"
"No I'm content with being able to afford to eat maybe twice a day."
"Hey, what about this hot girl, she's better than eating food, right?"
"Hot damn you are right, time to get to work sir so I can spend my hard earned cash on movies, expensive meals and gifts to woo her. Way more important than personal success and financial stability."
"Well that's fucking stupid, but whatever gets you a job."
Sounds dumb, is dumb, but if it works then I guess it's a good thing.
And that's that. One last thing though, this post is damn near indicative of something that doesn't make sense to me. On the list of problems I have to sort out in my life, the career and financial burden is a big numero uno. On the long list of shit that's important right now in life worrying about one really cool, super cute girl who I think digs me is somewhere between am I eating too much peanut butter and have I washed enough underwear this week. It's not that it isn't important, if I could get a good thing going with L(I just decided this will be how I refer to her here) that would be awesome, and hopefully pretty beneficial to me on a life scale. But I don't need to worry about it. I don't have absolute control over it, and it just isn't the biggest problem I have to solve.
Of course I'm sure if things get weird tonight when I try to chat her up a bit I'll come right back here and lay some depressed bullshit on you guys, you know, to keep the mood up. What's the point of other's misfortune if it can't make you feel better about yourself?
Ah, I feel better. Writing it out seems to put things into that perspective that makes logical sense that your head sometimes has no way of grasping. I'll see you in a few days, and hopefully not tonight.
Where are things now? That was a little more than a month ago I posted about my (then) severely disappointing run in with Officer Candidacy School in the U.S. Army. Two quick notes about that: First, most likely for the better. I would like to point out that I said that it might be in my previous post, and I'm going to say I was right. Not what I needed, or at least needed right then. Maybe the service has a point in my future, but it isn't near that soon. Second, on a wonderfully uplifting note, the time frame on my substance abuse would have been lifted this may, so that I could in fact have joined in a couple months, and the members of the board wanted me to appear before them. They wanted me to appear, asked for me by name. Perhaps there was some scrap of truth to my thoughts that honesty and sincerity can pull you through in this world. It hasn't quite happened yet, but still it's something.
So what next? I guess that is the question. Closer yet to finding that job to pay the bills and sustain myself. I am applying for jobs, random as they may be, in hopes that something will stick against the wall and at least get me started digging myself out of this pit.
I guess the most beneficial part of writing this blog is that it does help me put things in to perspective, that or it embarrasses me in to not feeling so bad about things. Either way it gets the job done. Point in case is girls, or girl to be exact. I highly doubt I am the only man, or person (I bet girls do this too) to just be overly paranoid about something that could be a budding relationship. Why is it that in these situations that we manage to ignore every positive sign, throw away all good omens of a want for you from the other person, and focus all of our thoughts on the few moments that things are, for lack of a better word, awkward? Furthermore why do I put all this pressure on it? For the last several days this girl and my absolute fear that things are fucked up has been stuck inside my head twenty-four seven. It's damn near enough to make me envious of some shut in hermit xenophobe for not having to deal with people. I have known this girl at most three or four weeks, and we've only seen each other a handful of times. Why is it that I am so entranced with her?
As there are very few simple questions in life, there is no short answer. Yes, she makes me feel pretty good about myself. She (I hope) likes me, for me no less. She finds the fact that I'm so outward about my goofiness, flaws, and am comfortable with them, attractive. She makes me feel good about all that stuff that I spend so much time worrying about, and who wouldn't like that? Is it that this is the sole girl to do this? No, but she's doing it now and that is what's relevant. She is a cool girl to boot. She likes goofy crap, is a bit of an artist (ceramics) and is pretty fun to be around. She laughs at my jokes and makes me laugh. This is my single most favorite thing in a woman, and you can almost be guaranteed if this is the case with any girl I will have an attraction to her. So if you don't like me, just don't laugh. Regardless, I dig her. I would like to say that I'm not overly infatuated with her, but I'm not entirely sure that's the case. If I wasn't, why would the silence of not having talked to her, much less spent our last words on an uncomfortable situation, be absolutely incapacitating my thought processes for that last days, and be well on it's way to a third?
The thing I can not drill in to my head is though that it doesn't matter right now, relax, and just do what you do. I mean, if she likes me then going fucking insane in my head over a couple strange days certainly isn't the most enticing thing when it comes to judging another person's mental health. And is it as bad as it sounds, I don't know. It could be the compound of all the other stresses in my life raining down upon me, and this is just one last kick in the wedding bits to make sure I'm feeling like shit most of the time. Compound that with some heavy drinking and you have a recipe for a mess of a head. Oh well, I'll try to resolve this, and I'm sure that all of my worry will prove for naught as it has so many times in the past. I mean if I'm a well put together, well kept and good looking smart badass (and I am) then who wouldn't want to be with me? I hope to god everyone reading this knows me well enough to grasp the half hearted sarcasm in this post, otherwise I'll come off as quite an ass. Which I am, but for entirely different reasons.
This kind of crap is even affecting me other ways too, but I can try to use this as a positive thing. These past few weeks I've been searching for a job harder than ever. Well that's good, but I should have been looking for one full steam for, oh, the last seven months, but why now? Because I want to be able to afford having a girl. Fuck. Can you believe that? That's the most re-goddamn-tarded thing I've heard in a long while. "Hey chumpo, stop being a slob, get a job and be productive in society"
"No I'm content with being able to afford to eat maybe twice a day."
"Hey, what about this hot girl, she's better than eating food, right?"
"Hot damn you are right, time to get to work sir so I can spend my hard earned cash on movies, expensive meals and gifts to woo her. Way more important than personal success and financial stability."
"Well that's fucking stupid, but whatever gets you a job."
Sounds dumb, is dumb, but if it works then I guess it's a good thing.
And that's that. One last thing though, this post is damn near indicative of something that doesn't make sense to me. On the list of problems I have to sort out in my life, the career and financial burden is a big numero uno. On the long list of shit that's important right now in life worrying about one really cool, super cute girl who I think digs me is somewhere between am I eating too much peanut butter and have I washed enough underwear this week. It's not that it isn't important, if I could get a good thing going with L(I just decided this will be how I refer to her here) that would be awesome, and hopefully pretty beneficial to me on a life scale. But I don't need to worry about it. I don't have absolute control over it, and it just isn't the biggest problem I have to solve.
Of course I'm sure if things get weird tonight when I try to chat her up a bit I'll come right back here and lay some depressed bullshit on you guys, you know, to keep the mood up. What's the point of other's misfortune if it can't make you feel better about yourself?
Ah, I feel better. Writing it out seems to put things into that perspective that makes logical sense that your head sometimes has no way of grasping. I'll see you in a few days, and hopefully not tonight.
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